Monday, May 28, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Last night, was a really hard night. I completely broke down. It was full of dramatics, and ended with Regina holding me, while I just wept. I'm not exactly sure what happened, I think it was a multitude of things. Gary and I went swimming, and we realized the last time we'd been in the pool I was pregnant. We loved swimming after work, and he would rub on my belly and tell me about his day. It just felt weird to be in there for the first time again. I just felt consumed with sadness, but never said anything. Gary actually was the one who said it out loud. I could feel us both kind of break for a moment. But then it passed. We floated around and talked about all of the positive things happening in our lives right now. I felt better. But then out of no where we were talking about Jessica moving to Ocean Springs Saturday and I just started sobbing. We've talked about how she would watch the baby for me, and how she'd come to our place during the day while Devon was at school, etc etc etc. All of these ideas and plans. Just hurts.
I know we'll have our time, but it's not right now. My body needs to heal. I'm thankful to know that there isn't really anything preventing us from having a baby. Just timing. That scares me, as I'll be 35 Sunday, but than again.. I have so many friends that are 37-39 having babies right now. I'm ok with that. I think we've decided against birth control, even though I had said I wanted to wait until next year to try again.. I have to believe nature will take its course. It will happen when it is supposed to. We have to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves.
Where we are lucky, is that with or without a child.. we are so happy together. We don't NEED a baby to make our lives complete, I think we both want one, because it's an extension of our love for one another. It's like Gary said, "We could adopt, or we could take other alternatives, but I want this child because I want to see my Jenny in it."
I agree. I feel the same.
So, it was a hard few days, even scooting over the few baby clothes left in our drawers to put up things, just makes my heart sink. But we'll be ok. We have wonderful romantic plans for my birthday this weekend, and then we'll be meeting my parents for our vacation next week. Many good things to keep us busy, and Im surrounded by love. Thank goodness for love.
I know we'll have our time, but it's not right now. My body needs to heal. I'm thankful to know that there isn't really anything preventing us from having a baby. Just timing. That scares me, as I'll be 35 Sunday, but than again.. I have so many friends that are 37-39 having babies right now. I'm ok with that. I think we've decided against birth control, even though I had said I wanted to wait until next year to try again.. I have to believe nature will take its course. It will happen when it is supposed to. We have to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves.
Where we are lucky, is that with or without a child.. we are so happy together. We don't NEED a baby to make our lives complete, I think we both want one, because it's an extension of our love for one another. It's like Gary said, "We could adopt, or we could take other alternatives, but I want this child because I want to see my Jenny in it."
I agree. I feel the same.
So, it was a hard few days, even scooting over the few baby clothes left in our drawers to put up things, just makes my heart sink. But we'll be ok. We have wonderful romantic plans for my birthday this weekend, and then we'll be meeting my parents for our vacation next week. Many good things to keep us busy, and Im surrounded by love. Thank goodness for love.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Loveology
Oh, an incurable humanist you are.
Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.
Oh, An incurable humanist you are.
Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies,
I will sing you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.
Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42.
Porcupine-ology, antler-ology, car-ology,
bus-ology, train-ology, plane-ology, mama-ology,
papa-ology,you-ology, me-ology, love-ology,
kiss-ology, stay-ology, please-ology.
Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.
Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive
me-ology, love-ology, love-ology,
I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.
Let's study class, let's study class.
Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.
Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology,
forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology.
I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.
Love-ology
Oh, an incurable humanist you are
Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Went with Gina to the doctor, I'm here taking care of her. She has a horrible sinus infection, but they gave her a cortisone shot. Hopefully she'll be better soon. I'm officially sick of doctors offices.
Sent from my Kindle Fire
Drove up and found a box from Gary's Aunt , Sandra. She sent me a care package full of love <3 Inside there was a beautiful signed drawing of an Owl by a local artist. It's just gorgeous.. Pics don't do it justice.. She even sent me the mat for it. I can't wait to get it framed. I want a big bulky frame, since it's so big. She's had it since 1974 and had been hanging onto it all these years. She even sent me the info on the artist who is now deceased. She also sent me lots of owl goodies!! Cute stuff! A precious little stationary set and photo holders. I love her so much. I love all of them.
Sent from my Kindle Fire
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I should also add that Gary's boss is planning to give him a promotion after his elevation next week. He pulled him aside last week to let him know. He'll also be working 60 hour weeks through June which almost doubles our income. We are so thankful for his awesome job! Yay USMI! I never though, considering our opinions on certain things that he would be building military special OP weapon boats. Crazy. I'm just so glad he's learning and mastering a trade. They are so impressed with his strength and skill, and I love the people he works with. Such fine, family oriented people. They love him, and I couldn't be prouder! Go Gary!!
I feel better today. I've had more energy, and I feel a little more like myself. On the other hand, I feel a bit more sad. I felt really alone today. In some weird way, carrying that baby inside of me for those few months made me feel like I was never alone. I know I have to allow my heart time to heal. And, I certainly realize it will. One day at a time.
Life is so uncertain, that is the only certainty I have.
Life is so uncertain, that is the only certainty I have.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Warning : This post may be gruesome but this is my life right now.
I'd love a giant rock to crawl under sometimes. I've never been a Houdini when it comes to emotion. I'm pretty strong, but this week my emotions have been pushed to the limits. I've wanted to disappear more than a few times the last few days. I'm not scared of feeling things, but I can't seem to deal with one thing without something else happening. I'd just like to catch a break for a while.
I haven't done very well physically since I lost the baby. I had to start on Methergine today to stop my bleeding. I was running fever which could mean infection, so I'm having to monitor my body temperature every hour. I'm supposed to call if it goes above 102 and they will admit me. I'll have to be treated with antibiotics and have a DNC -which SHOULD have been done to begin with. They sent me home thinking I had passed the baby, but I actually passed the baby in our bed Friday night, it was horrible. Looking at my sonogram it appeared that everything was "moving" out of my uterus. I didn't pass my placenta until 12 hours later. They are assuming something was "stuck" that caused it to take so long. I've been having "contractions" since Tues. How scary. I personally made the assumption it was normal to still be losing so much blood 4 days after, but my assumption was wrong. So now we just wait and pray that it slows down and that I don't have any infection.
Gary took a fall yesterday, and thought he'd broken his ribs, he's bruised and beat up, and poor Miley had a 60 lb wooden crate dropped on her, which scared us both to death.. Good grief, what a weekend.
All of this on the heels of a horrible argument with someone in my family, which is too exhausting and complicated to even try and explain. I just don't have the ability to deal with non-emotional, self absorbed people in my life. I love the people in my life very deeply, if that can't be reciprocated, I don't need you. You very seldom see me lose my temper, and I have very few conflicts with people. I have the same friends I've had most of my life, and I can't imagine any of them describing me as hard to get along with. I'm not. At the same time, I have morally GOOD people in my life. I don't have much patience for people who don't try to be decent or kind. I do have standards when it comes to people, and all types of relationships. You do become the company you keep, and that is important to me. Im not ashamed of that. I've certainly not lived my life perfectly, but I strive to be good. I strive to be kind. I strive to be the kind of woman that would make my mother proud. I have a LONG way to go, but the point is.. I strive.. I won't be treated badly by someone because they have no self respect and decide to emotionally disconnect from the world and live in bitter self pity.
Get over it, do the right things, and peace will find you. But don't steal my joy, and don't resent me for being content, when it's something I have worked hard for. Especially when I have over, and over, and over.. extended my heart and rallied around you during your downward spiral. I have loved this person when they were totally unloveable. I have tried.
Anyway.. I feel bruised inside and out right now. I'm also having a difficult time with this whole Mothers Day.. mostly because I miss MY mom today. So thats what is happening.
I haven't done very well physically since I lost the baby. I had to start on Methergine today to stop my bleeding. I was running fever which could mean infection, so I'm having to monitor my body temperature every hour. I'm supposed to call if it goes above 102 and they will admit me. I'll have to be treated with antibiotics and have a DNC -which SHOULD have been done to begin with. They sent me home thinking I had passed the baby, but I actually passed the baby in our bed Friday night, it was horrible. Looking at my sonogram it appeared that everything was "moving" out of my uterus. I didn't pass my placenta until 12 hours later. They are assuming something was "stuck" that caused it to take so long. I've been having "contractions" since Tues. How scary. I personally made the assumption it was normal to still be losing so much blood 4 days after, but my assumption was wrong. So now we just wait and pray that it slows down and that I don't have any infection.
Gary took a fall yesterday, and thought he'd broken his ribs, he's bruised and beat up, and poor Miley had a 60 lb wooden crate dropped on her, which scared us both to death.. Good grief, what a weekend.
All of this on the heels of a horrible argument with someone in my family, which is too exhausting and complicated to even try and explain. I just don't have the ability to deal with non-emotional, self absorbed people in my life. I love the people in my life very deeply, if that can't be reciprocated, I don't need you. You very seldom see me lose my temper, and I have very few conflicts with people. I have the same friends I've had most of my life, and I can't imagine any of them describing me as hard to get along with. I'm not. At the same time, I have morally GOOD people in my life. I don't have much patience for people who don't try to be decent or kind. I do have standards when it comes to people, and all types of relationships. You do become the company you keep, and that is important to me. Im not ashamed of that. I've certainly not lived my life perfectly, but I strive to be good. I strive to be kind. I strive to be the kind of woman that would make my mother proud. I have a LONG way to go, but the point is.. I strive.. I won't be treated badly by someone because they have no self respect and decide to emotionally disconnect from the world and live in bitter self pity.
Get over it, do the right things, and peace will find you. But don't steal my joy, and don't resent me for being content, when it's something I have worked hard for. Especially when I have over, and over, and over.. extended my heart and rallied around you during your downward spiral. I have loved this person when they were totally unloveable. I have tried.
Anyway.. I feel bruised inside and out right now. I'm also having a difficult time with this whole Mothers Day.. mostly because I miss MY mom today. So thats what is happening.
Friday, May 11, 2012
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